On Resilience
by Dean Phelan © Copyright 2022
As the simple existential statement “Shit happens” observes, every one of us experiences illness, loss, tragedy and suffering on our life journey. Sometimes we see the storm coming, but other times our boat gets hit with an iceberg or missile we did not see coming.
Resilience is metaphorically the ability to trim the sails, batten down the hatches and ride out the storm, or to swim if the boat goes down or we’re tossed overboard.
We all subliminally hope our life will progress in a steady upward line of accomplishments and rewards. Yet life operates like the weather and seasons, which have no regard for justice and fairness. Inevitably there will be storms that result in loss and suffering.
The good news however, is that we can strengthen our ability to come through the storm, and even bounce back from adversity.
10 Practises to build resilience:
Sometimes we find our back or neck is really hurting, so we go and see a physio who will give us exercises to ease and strengthen the muscles. Human nature being what it is, as we get better, we often let the exercises go – until the next time our back or neck goes! Similarly, to build resilience we need to develop regular exercise habits and strength. Research indicates the following practises help:
Be intentional about community - reach out to supportive people around you.
Deep down we are all social animals. We need to feel we belong to a “pack” who look out for each other and can offer support and protection. For some it’s family, for others it’s friends, colleagues, mentors, or others who care about you and can offer emotional, professional or other help when times are tough.
Invest in relationships you care about. Keep in touch. Support them when they get hit by a storm.
Prepare for the worst - mitigate risks
Think about the risks you face from a worst case scenario, and work on mitigating potential damage if something goes wrong eg. building savings, and keeping skills and networks up to date in case of job loss. Take out insurance.
Have your bushfire / flood / earthquake / … plan clearly worked out. Hopefully none of these will happen, but if you’re in a place where it could, survival can depend on having your kit ready and escape options mapped out - literally and metaphorically..
“What’s the worst that can happen?” Sometimes when something triggers our anxiety, it can help to ask ourselves what’s the worst that can happen? Then having named this, we can decide that whilst that might be bad, we will still be ok / alive / or whatever. In other words we can cope even if the worst case scenario occurs.
Be prepared. BUT, don’t spiral into anxiety. Remember Mark Twain’s observation: “I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
Develop a number of areas of identity and self-worth - Don’t have all your Identity and purpose dependent on one role.
Don’t have all your identity eggs in one basket. If our identity and self worth is heavily linked to our work and job title, it can hit us hard if we lose our job or can no longer work because of illness or whatever. Who are we if we’re not that?
There are many other possible identity roles that we could derive meaning and self worth from - being a good neighbour, church / community leader, side hustle business owner, mentor at a local school, sports club, wise grandparent etc. There can be seasons where we choose to focus on a particular role that’s needed e.g super-cool stay-at-home dad, caring son/daughter of elderly parent, supportive partner etc. Cultivate several satisfying and enriching areas of life so that we’re not just defined by one thing.
Resilient people have a sense of purpose that is deeper than their occupation or role. Knowing what’s important to you and what you stand for, can help you take stock when things change. Having a greater purpose is like finding rock you can stand on and cling to as the waters swirl around you. Getting in touch with a deeper purpose helps to reorient and guide what to do next. On Purpose
Reframe the story you are telling yourself - there’s always two stories
Things happen and we create a Story that has assumptions, feelings and reactions. You lose your job through redundancy, and create a Story about being a failure. A couple splits up and their child blames themselves, and starts acting out at school. The stories we tell ourselves about situations are simply certain facts that we unconsciously select to form a story that fits in with our bigger story about who we are. We gather evidence to support our story, and we don’t see evidence that doesn’t fit our story.
There are facts such as being made redundant. But the Story we create around this fact can be helpful or destructive. For example: “This is an opportunity. I can start that business I’ve been thinking about”. “I can finish my degree earlier”. “We’ve been talking about taking a break; now’s the time….” versus “This is terrible. I can never fit in. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s going to be really hard to get another job….etc.”
The word “crisis” in Chinese is composed of two characters. One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
Recognise the story you’re telling yourself about the situation; and that it’s equally possible for there to be a different more life empowering story that is just as true.
Look for the gold nugget - appreciate and be thankful
There’s always a gold nugget somewhere in the mud. What’s the silver lining? The ancient philosopher Lao Tzu observed: “New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings”.
Keep a gratitude diary – write down 5 things that brightened your path today. Take 3-5 photos every day of things that uplift you e.g. daffodils, a bird singing, an old couple holding hands
Read positive and inspirational quotes – appreciate one each day e.g. Uplifting quotes
Realise there is always something you can do - List down some options for today
When things are bad it seems like there aren’t any options. At one point I was seriously ill in hospital for some months, hardly able to move because of various tubes and lines in me that were hooked up to equipment. I was depressed. I knew I had to try and focus on something positive but kept worrying about being unable to work, money, my wife and children, and so forth. It felt like I was stuck with no choice. However, it dawned on me that I could at least say a positive word to the cleaners that came into my room… I still had some agency to at least do that. I also used my iPad to order a surprise gift to be delivered to my wife saying that whilst I might be confined in hospital I could still get out via the web and say I love her. It made me feel better.
Understanding there is always some action you can take to make your situation better, even in small ways, is empowering.
Shift your focus for a while onto the needs of those you love - be intentionally empathic
Taking your mind off your own troubles by focusing on serving others for a while does somehow help. Volunteering in a soup kitchen or at a local community service can help both others and ourselves.
Being present to those you’re with. Deliberately listen to what they’re saying and how they’re feeling.
Speak your love
Be mindful instead of mindless - notice, learn and quieten
Anchoring the mind when you notice you’re anxious – tune in to details in your immediate surrounds - Dropping Anchor exercise can help
Quietening and centring the mind. e.g. focusing on breathing; sit outside and feel the gentle breeze on your cheek. Know yourself. Notice your emotions - how you feel and where you feel. Learn what triggers these emotions.
Shenpa is a Tibetan word that describes the immediate involuntary response we all get when something “pushes our button”… we’re unsettled, we’re uneasy, we tighten up; it’s a tensing, a sense of withdrawing and protective walls going up. It can be triggered by anything - being disregarded, someone yawning whilst you’re talking to them, criticism of you or your family. It can be in anticipation of something - a phone call, a meeting, or thinking about something we have to do. It could be something outwardly innocuous such standing on the bathroom scales, or encountering a song, place, person or item associated with past pain.
Renowned Buddhism teacher, Pema Chodron says: ‘That tight feeling has the power to hook us into self-denigration, blame, anger, jealousy and other emotions which lead to words and actions that end up poisoning us’.
‘Shenpa thrives on the underlying insecurity of living in a world that is always changing. We experience this insecurity as a background of slight unease or restlessness. We all want some kind of relief from that unease, so we turn to what we enjoy—food, alcohol, drugs, sex, work or shopping. In moderation what we enjoy might be very delightful. We can appreciate its taste and its presence in our life. But when we empower it with the idea that it will bring us comfort, that it will remove our unease, we get hooked.
So we could also call shenpa “the urge”—the urge to smoke that cigarette, to overeat, to have another drink, to indulge our addiction whatever it is. Sometimes shenpa is so strong that we’re willing to die getting this short-term symptomatic relief. The momentum behind the urge is so strong that we never pull out of the habitual pattern of turning to poison for comfort. It doesn’t necessarily have to involve a substance; it can be saying mean things, or approaching everything with a critical mind. That’s a major hook. Something triggers an old pattern we’d rather not feel, and we tighten up and hook into criticizing or complaining. It gives us a puffed-up satisfaction and a feeling of control that provides short-term relief from uneasiness’. How we get hooked..
Be kind to yourself - failure and self-compassion are allowed
Being kind to yourself starts with recognising that everyone is fallible in some way. No-one, ever, has been 100% successful. Even defining success is problematic. Every one of us fails. It’s our attitude and the sense we make of things (our story) that makes the difference.
Instead of berating ourselves when we “mess up” or things don’t work out the way we planned, it’s about treating ourselves with kindness and compassion. Sometimes our inner critic talks to ourselves in a way that we wouldn’t dream of talking to our friends. Instead of saying to yourself “you’re such an idiot” try substituting “you’ve got this”, “take a deep breath and regroup”.
Sometimes when we’ve been successful in one area, we find it very hard to accept it when things don’t play out according to our expectations. I’ve seen Executives from big name companies take a redundancy and set up a consultancy business expecting that people will naturally use them. They can become upset and depressed when their expectations are not realised.
Laugh (or at least chuckle) at the situation.
“Black” humour and seeing the irony in your situation can help shift perspective in tough times. I always chuckle when I recall the response of Robert Muldoon, the 31st Prime Minister of New Zealand, when he was asked about the high migration of New Zealanders to Australia. He said “New Zealanders who leave for Australia raise the IQ of both countries.”
Read humorous cartoons e.g. Dilbert, Peanuts, Far Side etc… good for when you’re tired. Taps into the right side of the brain instead of the often overworked word-heavy left side.
Join some uplifting, positive humour Facebook or Instagram groups - take 5 minutes each day reading positive humour posts
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”― Winston Churchill
“Do not judge me by my success; judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.”― Nelson Mandela
“The oak fought the wind and was broken, the willow bent when it must and survived.”― Robert Jordan, The Fires of Heaven
“Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it’s less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you’ve lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that’s good.” ― Elizabeth Edwards
I took this picture of geese seemingly happily going about their collective business, taking life as it is today. There was a serene feeling about it all.
And from Dr Rachel Naomi Remen in My Grandfather’s Blessings:
“According to those who have returned from a near-death experience, we are all here to grow in wisdom and learn how to love better. As we each do this in our own way, we slowly become a blessing to those around us and a light in the world”.